Senior year...
Still have depression, still cut, still anorexic.
The summer before my senior year I met a friend through work who I became best friends with... Little did I know I would once again be used by a friend, but I will make a post on it's own about the 2 people I had at one point considered my best friends who in the end were mean and screwed me over.
I met my hubby in September 2006, we both were at this "self help/ getting to know your inner self/ church camp" type thing. I had barley made it in, I put in my application about 2 days before we were supposed to leave. The thing was about 4 days long and we got to know the dark secrets of everyone. About a week after it, hubby and I started dating.
Senior year was different than previous years. I started smaoking pot and skipping classes.
My dad and I did not get along this year of my life, he was rude to me.
In April 2007 my mom was informed of my eating disorder from my therapist. I was forced into therapy treatment. I manipulated my mother into paying for my first tattoo. I told her the only way I would go to therapy and gain the weight was if she let me get a tattoo. So she did, I played the game and went to therapy and put the weight on. About 3 weeks before my 18th birthday my therapist dropped me, we didn't get long as I did not want to be there.
I went on family vacation in June right after graduation. My dad and I probably could have killed each other. I hated him... On June 11th I spent the night at hubby's house and on June 12th (my 18th bday) that morning, I moved out.
I didn't talk to my dad for months after I moved out.
I dropped all the weight I had gained and more when I moved out
My next post will be on hubby and I and our life after we moved out together.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
About me part2
Welcome to high school, the supposed best years of your high school life.....
Best years my ass!!
My eating disorder started in 7th grade, but started getting much more out of control starting freshman year... Oh freshman year.... What a great way to start...NOT! I started cutting my freshman year of school. All throughout elementary and middle school (as well as high school) I got made fun of. I was considered a cry baby, weak, weird, a loser. When I first started self injury it was scratches with safety pins. I did it in class and I got caught. I was diagnosed with depression in 2003, I was forced to start in an IOP (Intensive Out Pacient) group with other teens who had mental illnesses. I personally liked the group and made a few very good friends out of it. Group met every Tuesday and Thursday for an hour and a half to 2 hours. In there it was like a support group, we talked about what was wrong and sometimes got feed back. In May 2004 I somehow let it slip in group that I was trying to find my parents gun, I was done.
I was placed on a 51/50 that night after being driven to the mental institute. I was on 72 hour suicide watch. I ended up being in the "Nut Hut" (as we called it) for 11 days. My parents came to visit every day and brought my independent study work to me. I never did any of it, I found out that within the last few days of me being in there they had a meeting with my school vice principal and counclors about me. They came to a decision that I would not need to do the independent study work and that my grades I had before I went into the hospital would be my year end grades. I did not have to take the last finals, I would have failed my classes had they not done that.I still had to take 2 classes over again for not getting passing grades. I did not complete my last 3 weeks of freshman year. Some people heard I was sick (physical, not mental) others heard I was on vacation. I continued going to group for 2 years after that.
Sophomore year I dyed my hair black and started wearing heavy eyeliner. I hardly talked to anyone... I was then labeled the gothic freak. I was still cutting, my anorexia was still taking over, but I was good at hiding it. I continued going to group and had to drop out of my last class which was PE because I was missing too much of it having to go to group 2 times a week.
Junior year nothing significant happened. Still cut, still anorexic.
I will end here now, and start into senior year in my next post.
Best years my ass!!
My eating disorder started in 7th grade, but started getting much more out of control starting freshman year... Oh freshman year.... What a great way to start...NOT! I started cutting my freshman year of school. All throughout elementary and middle school (as well as high school) I got made fun of. I was considered a cry baby, weak, weird, a loser. When I first started self injury it was scratches with safety pins. I did it in class and I got caught. I was diagnosed with depression in 2003, I was forced to start in an IOP (Intensive Out Pacient) group with other teens who had mental illnesses. I personally liked the group and made a few very good friends out of it. Group met every Tuesday and Thursday for an hour and a half to 2 hours. In there it was like a support group, we talked about what was wrong and sometimes got feed back. In May 2004 I somehow let it slip in group that I was trying to find my parents gun, I was done.
I was placed on a 51/50 that night after being driven to the mental institute. I was on 72 hour suicide watch. I ended up being in the "Nut Hut" (as we called it) for 11 days. My parents came to visit every day and brought my independent study work to me. I never did any of it, I found out that within the last few days of me being in there they had a meeting with my school vice principal and counclors about me. They came to a decision that I would not need to do the independent study work and that my grades I had before I went into the hospital would be my year end grades. I did not have to take the last finals, I would have failed my classes had they not done that.I still had to take 2 classes over again for not getting passing grades. I did not complete my last 3 weeks of freshman year. Some people heard I was sick (physical, not mental) others heard I was on vacation. I continued going to group for 2 years after that.
Sophomore year I dyed my hair black and started wearing heavy eyeliner. I hardly talked to anyone... I was then labeled the gothic freak. I was still cutting, my anorexia was still taking over, but I was good at hiding it. I continued going to group and had to drop out of my last class which was PE because I was missing too much of it having to go to group 2 times a week.
Junior year nothing significant happened. Still cut, still anorexic.
I will end here now, and start into senior year in my next post.
Friday, June 17, 2011
About me part 1
I wish I could start this where other people have started, I wish I could start from when I was a little kid.... But I do not remember those years... So mine will start when I was 14. (I don't remember anything before then...)
This first part is very hard for me to write...
When I was 13 I was in the 8th grade... I will start with December(2002)...
It was a week or so before Christmas and I was spending the night at my best friends house, she has a brother that has Cerebral palsy. He was 20 years old but had the brain of a 4 year old, he couldn't talk but made grunting sounds and I loved him very much, he always grunted with joy when I was around and always put a smile on my face. Anyway... That night at my friends house we were sitting there talking and I had said "wouldn't it suck if someone died on or right before Christmas?" so my friend and I had a small convo about that....
Flash forward to the very early morning of December 23rd 2002... I was up early because I was heading with my aunt and brother to drive to Nevada to pick up a puppy we were getting my grandma for Christmas (she had to put hers down a few months before that) I was on the computer when I got an instant message from my best friend (alex) she told me that her brother was dead..... He had seizures that morning and died.... I broke down and was hysterical... All I could think was that it was my fault.... I was the one who said "wouldn't it suck if someone died on or before Christmas" and low and behold her brother died 2 days before Christmas... I felt and still feel like I caused his death by the words I spoke...
I ended up going with my aunt still to get the dog, I needed to get away. That day was also the day I finally lost what little faith I had left in God.
The next post will go into more.... For right now this is where I stop...
This first part is very hard for me to write...
When I was 13 I was in the 8th grade... I will start with December(2002)...
It was a week or so before Christmas and I was spending the night at my best friends house, she has a brother that has Cerebral palsy. He was 20 years old but had the brain of a 4 year old, he couldn't talk but made grunting sounds and I loved him very much, he always grunted with joy when I was around and always put a smile on my face. Anyway... That night at my friends house we were sitting there talking and I had said "wouldn't it suck if someone died on or right before Christmas?" so my friend and I had a small convo about that....
Flash forward to the very early morning of December 23rd 2002... I was up early because I was heading with my aunt and brother to drive to Nevada to pick up a puppy we were getting my grandma for Christmas (she had to put hers down a few months before that) I was on the computer when I got an instant message from my best friend (alex) she told me that her brother was dead..... He had seizures that morning and died.... I broke down and was hysterical... All I could think was that it was my fault.... I was the one who said "wouldn't it suck if someone died on or before Christmas" and low and behold her brother died 2 days before Christmas... I felt and still feel like I caused his death by the words I spoke...
I ended up going with my aunt still to get the dog, I needed to get away. That day was also the day I finally lost what little faith I had left in God.
The next post will go into more.... For right now this is where I stop...
Thursday, June 16, 2011
What is happiness
Happiness can mean something different to everyone... This is what happiness means to me:
Happiness to me is complete balance of mind, body and spirit. A balanced mind that has emotions but knows how to manage them properly without letting them take over. Using my wise mind instead of my emotional mind or rational mind, wise mind is being able to use both; being proactive. Balance of body, taking care of ones body physically and mentally. balance of spirit be it having a higher power or not.
I can not guarantee I will be able to write in this every day, I just bought the book and will be trying as I go along...
These will most likely have spelling mistakes or grammatical errors, I am not good at spelling or writing and would appreciate not being called out for it.
Welcome to my happiness blog...
Happiness to me is complete balance of mind, body and spirit. A balanced mind that has emotions but knows how to manage them properly without letting them take over. Using my wise mind instead of my emotional mind or rational mind, wise mind is being able to use both; being proactive. Balance of body, taking care of ones body physically and mentally. balance of spirit be it having a higher power or not.
I can not guarantee I will be able to write in this every day, I just bought the book and will be trying as I go along...
These will most likely have spelling mistakes or grammatical errors, I am not good at spelling or writing and would appreciate not being called out for it.
Welcome to my happiness blog...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)