I wish I could start this where other people have started, I wish I could start from when I was a little kid.... But I do not remember those years... So mine will start when I was 14. (I don't remember anything before then...)
This first part is very hard for me to write...
When I was 13 I was in the 8th grade... I will start with December(2002)...
It was a week or so before Christmas and I was spending the night at my best friends house, she has a brother that has Cerebral palsy. He was 20 years old but had the brain of a 4 year old, he couldn't talk but made grunting sounds and I loved him very much, he always grunted with joy when I was around and always put a smile on my face. Anyway... That night at my friends house we were sitting there talking and I had said "wouldn't it suck if someone died on or right before Christmas?" so my friend and I had a small convo about that....
Flash forward to the very early morning of December 23rd 2002... I was up early because I was heading with my aunt and brother to drive to Nevada to pick up a puppy we were getting my grandma for Christmas (she had to put hers down a few months before that) I was on the computer when I got an instant message from my best friend (alex) she told me that her brother was dead..... He had seizures that morning and died.... I broke down and was hysterical... All I could think was that it was my fault.... I was the one who said "wouldn't it suck if someone died on or before Christmas" and low and behold her brother died 2 days before Christmas... I felt and still feel like I caused his death by the words I spoke...
I ended up going with my aunt still to get the dog, I needed to get away. That day was also the day I finally lost what little faith I had left in God.
The next post will go into more.... For right now this is where I stop...
Let me start out with a huge *HUG*. I know telling your that your words didn't cause his death won't change the way you feel, but I'm going to say it any way. You in no way contributed to his death. I had something similar happen to me the summer between my 8th grade year and my freshman year of high school. I was a "freak" and my friends and I were frequently teased. One evening we were walking through my neighborhood and one of the guys in our class started teasing us from his yard. As we walked on I said to my friend "I fucking hate him. I wish he would die" The next day he was in a fatal 4-wheeler crash. I carry with me to this day, 15 years later, the guilt that I, in some way, cause his death. I know, logically, that I had nothing to do with it, but the feeling is still there.
ReplyDeleteI love you darling. I'm so sorry to hear about what happened, but also semi glad that someone knows how I am feeling and what I'm going through. I wish neither thing would have happened and logically I know neither of us caused their deaths. Big big hugs to you too <33
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